About “Cussin Funerals.”

WARNING this article could offend your tear ducts.

I ran across this yellow legal sheet. From the 90’s that I wrote suggesting to myself to write a book. I even gave myself a title, “Love, Laugh, Live, But First Laugh.” It seems I had just finished a crazy funeral and wrote about two lines and reminded myself what to do AFTER I retired. I suppose to give folks time to forget. I don’t have to write down some of the stuff a preacher goes through, it is stuck in my mind. As I begin this talk with y’all I’ve got to say these are true stories. Number next, I didn’t intend to laugh but “they” made me. Number next, next, some of you think it is more spiritual to walk around with gloom and doom look on your face and it’s just not in the Bible. So here are a few varieties of stuff from a long time, thank you, pastor.

That funeral, you know, the one I said, “Mike, write a book.” Well, it started with the undertaker, which is what I’ll call him until he figures it out, came rushing up to me as I ENTERED and with panic in his eyes says,”Pastor, I think we should start this funeral early, like right away.”

Over the years I have learned that these men and women that direct funerals can read-the-room well. It seems that the wife of the deceased and the mother of the deceased could not stand each other. I saw them discussing who the deceased loved the most, very loudly, at the coffin, with language that my Drill Sargent used on us new recruits. I had sized this up and with holy discernment, started a bad, soon to get worse funeral, early.. I began with prayer which gave this family a chance to go to their separate corners. After I “preached” the funeral we moved the deceased immediately from the church to the cemetery where his grave was about 100 yards away. The pallbearers carried him that far, I figured it would help the tensions settle down. I was wrong!

Unbeknownst (that means I really didn’t know til later.) to me the wife had threatened the maw-in-law on the way out of the CHURCH. So now we are at the grave with the deceased in the shut coffin, I have my Bible open with plans for a brief graveside and all of a sudden I saw and heard some terrible sounds. It seem it really is true if you lock your legs while standing and add tension in you mind a young man can pass out and dive headfirst into a shut coffin. It is also true, confirmed by me, that when that happens it will sound just like a gun going off. BOOM! I can now also confirm, that when two women make threats for each other, and When that BOOM sound occurs, one of them is going to go screaming from a cemetery. ( in this case the maw-in-law.) This funeral crowd now has gotten loud and nervous. To continue to top this off Gandmother is now running for the tree line. A group of men are picking a young man with a knot on his forehead off of a wreath of flowers on a dented coffin.

So that is the picture for a Baptist pastor, holding a Bible, at the graveside, Planning for a brief service. I was prepared. Yep, looking back, I knew what to do next. It was not my seminary education that helped me in that moment. It was not my pastoral experience that helped me. It was my raising with seven (7) brothers and sisters that kicked in. I remembered how there was ALWAYS something crazy going on in a small home with 9 nuts. It was at that moment of revering that I did what I did at the graveside that afternoon.

I knew that the pastor has been ordained to bring peace in unpeaceful places. This place was chaos so I hollered,with all the authority and dignity that I could, “KNOCK IT OFFFFF!!!”Surprisingly enough it got deathly quiet. No pun intended, well maybe a little. I continued. “Everyone please bow your head,” noticing one of the pallbearers rubbing his head. Then I did what most preachers call a closing prayer. I quickly left as the folks 9continued there chatter. Some went looking for grandmother.

Obviously, I was talking to my Lord in the car about the next funeral being a normal one. No cussing, threats, or panicking funeral directors.

One last thing, I have done literally hundreds of funerals, it’s part of pastoring. If you think I’m talking about your kinfolks funeral from years ago, you are probably correct. Let me quickly say that same story could have been my own Dad’s hilarious funeral. Just sayin. Another day in the life of your Pastor.

Again you that keep saying that I should write that book, I say to you that I am. You just read another page.